“You make me glow but I cover up, won’t let it show. So I’m putting my defenses up ’cause I don’t want to fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I’d have a heart attack.”
As I walk to a convenience store with my bestfriend to buy a liter of our favorite brandy, I had a really good laugh with her about how we were so caught in a LSS (last song syndrome) on Demi Lovato’s Heart Attack. When we’re on an awkward dead air, one of us will surely just hum the chorus and eventually just end up singing together and get 348 laughs.
Now though, I’m at work and since I got some free time, I thought of listening to my playlist and this song caught my attention…again. But this time, it’s serious. No laughs counted.
I was a high school freshman when for the first time, someone made me glow despite my dark skin tone. I remember rushing to the chapel and getting all too excited for the mass to start only to catch a glimpse of my favorite sacristan. Surprisingly, he was also a freshman, although in a different section. I was young…but I felt it…the feeling of blood rushing to my cheeks. I was young…but I was sure of what I felt. I was young…hence, I was scared.
I never knew how to play the game back then, so I retreated even before I could have a go. I stayed away and suited myself with mere glances of him around the school. But goodness! On second year, we were classmates, and more tauntingly, we were desk mates. Can you believe that? Desk mates! Destiny? Haha. Tell me about it.
Like any other shy high schooler, I never wanted anyone to discover who my crush is, let alone give them the chance to let him know about it. And so I was on red alert. I put all my defense mechanisms up. I drove him away, gave him the impression that I’m not in any way interested in his existence by shutting him out. I raised my brows when he asks me something. I didn’t lend him my extra pens. I get mad at him for cracking jokes when I’m pretending to study. I totally just showed him that I despise him and that I don’t ever want to talk to him. That was my defense mechanism. I thought that by showing him my disgust, he would go away.
But I was wrong. I realized that I played the wrong card because instead of pushing him away, he got more interested in me. He teased me more and found it amusing that he could easily get to my nerves. That means a daily argument between us both. I should be more cautious. But it was already too late. He already got under my skin. Arguing with him everyday was like a daily dose of vitamins for me. We would set dagger eyes to one another like it was part of our breakfast. He would be sarcastic and I would smirk at him. We glowered at each other whenever our elbows touch in class. He would secretly pull my hair and I would immediately step on his feet under the desk. He would pretend to accidentally move the desk when I’m so busy writing something then say sorry in a devilish way. Then I will get back at him by pulling his chair away right after he stood up to recite in class. All those little fights have become our routine that instead of really fighting, we felt (or maybe I felt) that it’s our unique way of getting along with each other.
Now, I’m never gonna get away from this game anymore so I just have to continue playing it. The thought of us being together in the end still scared me. I have to admit that I’m already in love with him and that’s really taunting. Me falling deeply in love with him is a weakness…a weakness that can instantly erase the strong image that other people have of me. He is the only person who’s got the power to destroy me but I won’t allow him to do that. I still keep my hopes up that in the end, my defense mechanism would work out fine and finally get him out of my head and my heart.