HEART ATTACK by Demi Lovato

“You make me glow but I cover up, won’t let it show. So I’m putting my defenses up ’cause I don’t want to fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I’d have a heart attack.”

As I walk to a convenience store with my bestfriend to buy a liter of our favorite brandy, I had a really good laugh with her about how we were so caught in a LSS (last song syndrome) on Demi Lovato’s Heart Attack. When we’re on an awkward dead air, one of us will surely just hum the chorus and eventually just end up singing together and get 348 laughs.

Now though, I’m at work and since I got some free time, I thought of listening to my playlist and this song caught my attention…again. But this time, it’s serious. No laughs counted.

I was a high school freshman when for the first time, someone made me glow despite my dark skin tone. I remember rushing to the chapel and getting all too excited for the mass to start only to catch a glimpse of my favorite sacristan. Surprisingly, he was also a freshman, although in a different section. I was young…but I felt it…the feeling of blood rushing to my cheeks. I was young…but I was sure of what I felt. I was young…hence, I was scared.

I never knew how to play the game back then, so I retreated even before I could have a go. I stayed away and suited myself with mere glances of him around the school. But goodness! On second year, we were classmates, and more tauntingly, we were desk mates. Can you believe that? Desk mates! Destiny? Haha. Tell me about it.

Like any other shy high schooler, I never wanted anyone to discover who my crush is, let alone give them the chance to let him know about it. And so I was on red alert. I put all my defense mechanisms up. I drove him away, gave him the impression that I’m not in any way interested in his existence by shutting him out. I raised my brows when he asks me something. I didn’t lend him my extra pens. I get mad at him for cracking jokes when I’m pretending to study. I totally just showed him that I despise him and that I don’t ever want to talk to him. That was my defense mechanism. I thought that by showing him my disgust, he would go away.

But I was wrong. I realized that I played the wrong card because instead of pushing him away, he got more interested in me. He teased me more and found it amusing that he could easily get to my nerves. That means a daily argument between us both. I should be more cautious. But it was already too late. He already got under my skin. Arguing with him everyday was like a daily dose of vitamins for me. We would set dagger eyes to one another like it was part of our breakfast. He would be sarcastic and I would smirk at him. We glowered at each other whenever our elbows touch in class. He would secretly pull my hair and I would immediately step on his feet under the desk. He would pretend to accidentally move the desk when I’m so busy writing something then say sorry in a devilish way. Then I will get back at him by pulling his chair away right after he stood up to recite in class. All those little fights have become our routine that instead of really fighting, we felt (or maybe I felt) that it’s our unique way of getting along with each other.

Now, I’m never gonna get away from this game anymore so I just have to continue playing it. The thought of us being together in the end still scared me. I have to admit that I’m already in love with him and that’s really taunting. Me falling deeply in love with him is a weakness…a weakness that can instantly erase the strong image that other people have of me. He is the only person who’s got the power to destroy me but I won’t allow him to do that. I still keep my hopes up that in the end, my defense mechanism would work out fine and finally get him out of my head and my heart.

KING OF ANYTHING by Sara Bareilles

“All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide.”

These are lyrics of Sara Bareilles’ King of Anything. I know you will read it again. Go ahead…

Done? Okay. Well this part of the song is nobody, nobody but me. I’m the type who makes everyone happy. Talk about altruism eh? But yes, I won’t talk about myself unless you ask me to. I don’t insist on letting you do something for me if it’s not convenient for you. I won’t ask you to wait for me because I make sure I’ll be there first before you. Wait. Make this paragraph, I mean, the verbs on this paragraph, past tense. Because I’ve said goodbye to that old trying-hard-to-please-everybody kind of girl.

It just gets tiring sometimes to go out of your way to make sure everyone’s okay because it simply is not possible. In one way or another, you can’t help but disappoint them and not meet their expectations. In one way or another, you’ll realize you’ve been busy trying to make them happy that you’ve forgotten to wipe down your sweat and keep the smile on your face. You’ll get tired because someone has made you realize that you don’t have to do everything for them to stay with you. You’ll realize that if they really have wanted to stay, they would even without you telling them to.

I’m a changed person. I put myself first. I make sure I’m happy with my decisions. I change my clothes if I’m not pleased with what my boyfriend asks me to wear. I let my nail polish dry first before replying to a friend’s text message. I don’t buy everything for the group now; I ask them to chip in.

I’m stronger…wiser…happier.

“So who cares if you disagree? You are not me. Who made you King of Anything?”

Reconciled. Returned. Renewed.

Because writing a blog is too mainstream now, I’ve decided to go back into pen and paper. More traditional. More heartfelt. It feels so different to write on paper…again. I’ve been a really avid writer for so many years until I stopped because of a reason God only knows, which I’ll let you know later. But first, let me take a selfie. (done =) )

DIARY. Yeah. I used to write down every single thing happening to me on every single day on my diary. All my secrets. All the crap I made. All the good times I’ve had. All the random thoughts I thought of. From my general daily agenda down to the little things I do. From the color of the sky down to the color of my undies. From my monthly allowance down to every single cent I spent. Literally everything. I can’t describe well enough how detailed I was in writing, but yes, I really was. Just try to imagine a painter who makes sure that each and every angle of his subject is well-painted. That’s how I was so into writing. But just like a Koko Krunch, after one major “poof”, I had a major change, a major turn around. A total 180 degrees turn against writing.
I can still remember that night when I help my diary on top of my lap while riding a bus going to a friend’s place. The notebook was literally trembling right there, no exaggeration. In my friend’s house, I tore every single page, read it, cried over it, then finally thew every precious paper on fire. It was the corniest melodrama of the year but trust me, I only go melodramatic once in a blue moon. Yes, I burned everything, hoping that doing so would erase the stabbing feeling in my heart because of what that diary has cost me. That night, I swore to every single moth dancing near the flames that I will never write again, like ever.
I never knew that words were edible, because right now, I am obviously eating my own words. After almost two years of never laying an eye on my pen and paper, here I am, back to my good ol’ habit but writing as a brand new me. Maybe they were right about old habits never dying. So… it’s official. I’m writing. I’m back.
This time though, I’ll write differently. I won’t write about me, myself and I. These would be more like reflections. Probably a journal or just some feature writing. I don’t know what this would turn into but I know that this time, it’ll be a matured way of writing. Come on. I’m too old to write about my crushes, my nights out with friends and all those crazy little things we do. You may say that it’s a little lousy to write about something serious, something about life, so it’s okay if you stop reading right here and go visit your favorite stories on wattpad instead while I continue becoming lousy. Good night then dear reader.

Posting. Publishing.

I’m not sure why I’m doing this but I’ve already decided to make a blog about this pretty notebook I picked up in the jeepney while I was on my way to work. I thought of just setting it aside but I quite can’t stop reading the whole thing. Okay, I’m really into reading. And when I got this Untitled Notebook of Ms. Anonymous, I thought of posting it on the internet and see if she’s really a good writer or I’m just an addict reader. Well, I think I’m just so unlearned to find her insights and realizations quite appealing. She’s a serious type and I would understand if serious doesn’t get you reading more from here. I know that “serious” things are a little too close to boring. But for some of you who can tolerate boredom like I do, you need to give me time to type everything from the notebook, because I only got a hardcopy. I’d like to thank the owner of this notebook. I’ve tried what I can to find you and return this treasure to you, but I failed. I really learned a lot from everything you’ve written here. Hence, let me make you immortal. 🙂